Not knowing is a horrible feeling. Humans deplore uncertainty so much that once upon a time, we regulated how companies could claim certainty without evidence, knowing that if allowed, naive and vulnerable consumers would choose artificial certainty over the truth that nothing is certain, not now, not yesterday, and certainly not tomorrow.

From snake oil salesmen to aquarium cleaner cures for COVID-19, bad actors looking to turn a profit on the most reliable of human fears have coexisted alongside our anxiety about the future as far back as our history tells us.

Awareness, it turns out, does not help the matter. One hundred years ago, uncertainty was relatively local to you and likely determined whether you lived past 30 or died of malnutrition or disease.

Now we have access and abundance, almost. Perhaps it is in the "almost" where our anxiety breeds. Either way, the living standards of most humans have vastly improved due to technology, science, and post-war efforts to look forward after two horrific world wars (lest we forget). Those who lived through them wanted us to remember and never slip backward again.

Technology ties and binds us to our lives. Our time is measured and assessed, our schedules are micromanaged and optimized, our finances are automated, and our health is monitored by wearable devices. Yet, we feel a collective doom is coming around the corner.

This doom could be that we live in a time of wannabe dictators on a global scale, the United States abdicating the bastion of hope that called to foreign shores, calls no more.

Duplicity and hypocrisy reveal themselves so frequently that one wonders if any bearing can be had.

There is truth in the ugliness we never want to look at. There are times when the ugliness must be revealed and then addressed, as it is.

For my entire life, I believed I knew what deep connection was. I thought I was connected to those around me. When I stepped off the path, I saw.

Of course, no path is the same between two humans; however, we all walk a prescribed path for at least part of our lives.

The freedom to choose differently is not granted, but stolen from the fear that holds your focus to the horizon of compliance.

Freedom does not care about your quarterly bonus, your unlimited PTO, your CEO's outsized ego, and the fact that he thinks it is perfectly acceptable to tell you he will "open the Kimono" when he wants to share an important company update.

Cultural appropriation and egotistical grandstanding with a sexual harassment undercurrent, in the name of transparency?

Freedom from the prescribed path does not mean quitting your job and forsaking your material possessions and responsibilities.

What you do is not as important as how you do it.

The work of providing for your family is noble, and if you are okay with the trade-off between your employer and your time, no worries, my friend, and congratulations!

For many of us, however, a soft voice whispers from the start. When I found Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I used it as my career roadmap.

At the time, my super-logical brain excitedly clung to this model as both an answer to why work sucked right now and a map to point towards what to look for next.

As a single mother and primary breadwinner for my household, luck was on my side when I entered the world of corporate tech. The demand for talented engineers who can effectively communicate with other humans is real today, but it was even more desperate leading up to and through the pandemic.

When I learned it was possible, with every change of job, I earned at least 10k more while improving the work and team at each stage. I was climbing up the hierarchy.

What is at the top? Meaningful work and personal freedom, whoops.

Did I need to learn that I would not find this in the corporate world? Yes.

The severance I received after the layoffs began, which hit tech on the heels of the COVID-19 pandemic, was enough to start walking the new path.

The path of uncertainty feels like free-falling, and then you catch yourself. You remember that you have been navigating the unknown with bad maps and the help of strangers since you landed on this planet as a toothless infant.

The path of uncertainty is the path all humans walk. But to choose the path and decide to embrace the void, that is art; that is also a requirement to be both an artist and a founder.

The hardest part of the past two and a half years has been the manifold realizations about my Self.

At my peak in corporate tech, the software engineer identity was everything: my shield, my armor, my proof of worth.

Overachievers and people-pleasers are incredible when young and naive. Once we realize what we have been doing and the youth, depleted and irreplaceable from striving, refuses to carry us through the overwork, our time is up.

The flip-side of our striving is a world of pain behind the excellent work and optimistic outlook. Strivers sacrifice time, energy, happiness, all in hope that our effort is rewarded by not only validation but connection, acceptance, the love we failed to give ourselves, the pain of generations.

Your nights and weekends seem a small price to pay in exchange for acknowledgment or validation.

Whether you never had enough or you had too much, the source of your striving stems from the beginning.

Your childhood is the best place to look for clues.

There are lots of books in all your favorite flavors. Start with one that speaks to you. For me, it was classic: Brené Brown's Daring Greatly. Brené put words to the inexplicable behavior of myself, my mom, and just about everyone I had ever known. Then, I started searching for more.

Once you see, you can't unsee. I realize now that my whole world was built as a protective measure against the fear I have carried since my infancy. All of my friendships and family relationships have been built along the fault lines of my fear.

No one knew me. This was the scariest part of my awakening.

Of course, it follows that if you know little of your Self, it is impossible for others to know more than you do on this subject.

Our masks are uncanny representations of who we wish the world to believe we are.

Masks worn into adulthood are remnants of who we believed our parents wished us to be, then our schoolmates, and later spouse and colleagues.

When I began to share truths about myself with those I believed knew me well, I initially encountered doubt and skepticism.

We create an artful artifice and proceed with life. My artiface was pretty as it was pleasing, the sunny and reliable version of a person I thought would keep me safe as a girl, smiling and encouraging of others, asking nothing.

When we tear it all down right in the middle of the race, it must look like a childish act of privilege or insanity from the outside.

Learning to lean into the next step. I am writing this today not as a call to abandon your post and join me in the open waters of uncertainty.

Nor do I wish to scare you away from the reality you will face when you grip reality by the shoulders and spin her around, only to find nothing but questions that lead you deeper inward.

Every day is a choice. Your passion, if you pursue it, is a choice and gift. Your work, no matter why you do it, is a contribution to the greater whole. We have the skills to navigate this unknown before us. The skills are what make us human. The knowing is not outside of us but within each of us.

In the void, we make plans and take steps to complete the journey you and I are living. In the unknown, we cast a net of creative problem-solving, holding contrasting truths side by side in our minds; there is no certainty, only the need to create and persist.

To be human is to create.

To be human is to believe in impossible realities and take steps to make them so.

I am writing to you today to tell you that you do not need permission to believe in the truth of your power to create. Whoever you are and wherever you come from, you do not need an advanced degree to participate in the important work of your life; all you need is to begin.

"Being aware of your fear is smart. Overcoming it is the mark of a successful person." — Seth Godin

Be curious. Question your patterns. And be kind to yourself; you are worthy, my friend.

-Sonia a.k.a. SuperSonic

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